Riding the Roller Coaster
Life has certainly been a roller coaster of emotions of late, so many great things happening, then the mix of old fears, hurts and emotions rising, and the 3rd twist of people being negative about the good things flowing into my life. It certainly challenges all within me, to sit and be, even the 11/11 portal had a kick, I awoke feeling like I had been on journey medicine but feeling drugged-eyes were bloodshot, had a man sing under my window(and still unsure to weather it was real or part of the journey that night), where I was staying, and awoke feeling emotional, and felt safe with a friend to have a cry. Even with all the emotion rising, I had amazing weekend, with a fair and just spending time with a beautiful friend.
I have bathes with Palo Santo, as I work through my own old bullshit that has been rising, tools of late have been seeing to this, they arnt messing around, they a stripping me down, to stand naked and venerable. Sitting in the path of no expectations with anyone just coming into heart and a space of love. And the putting to rest the past, even Dave made appearance on the weekend. The portal brought a deep missing of him. Yet I can feel him laughing at me, as I know he is always around watching over me. But laughing at me because I'm back dealing with old stories. He was my rock for years, my sounding board and someone who delivered honesty and trust into my life. But I laugh now because I can see these old stories and woundings for what they are, and they are quicker to release and own, then I get to kiss them, thank them and send them on their way.
Nice things are being put before me, I have nothing to lose and all to gain. Its funny how people can project their own fears and jealousy at you, not owning their own truths, and holding to the truth they walk. Wasp seems to turn up to warn me before this happens. Some when they project, you can feel the energy like a wave the flattens you, that sinks you beneath the waves, and leaves you grasping for air, as you try to come up through it, and leaves you sad. Now I know this is theirs not mine, but the empath in me feels everything quite strongly.
The past can be a powerful teacher or something that holds you locked in fear and the building of so many walls around ourselves, let alone getting on the round-about, replaying the same stories, over and over again. We find it hard to let the walls down and trust. Afraid-but that is a past emotion, its like bringing all the baggage forward and saying this is how people are going to be because this is what happened in the past. The past can be a ghost that we allow to haunt us, if we let it. Even I have been at fault for this.
Even that fear of being honest about feelings, but won't because the fear of rejection. Why do we keep playing the old stories, because even in rejection there's a positive, you just have to see it. To stand naked and see yourself in love, to love yourself wholely, we are all beautiful, whatever shape, size, looks we come in. Its just ourselves that have to come into heart to see the real beauty within. Also self-love and doing nice things for yourself are important, to often we put ourselves last and forget we need care. It's not being selfish, its being honouring of self. So this week I've had a massage and Thursday night I'm off to Sound Journey with a visiting musio, self care and looking after myself. Next is to find a energy healer I'm drawn to, so I can have a healing. As this year draws to a close, the ride is getting intense, so much clearing of the old, its not to walk with you next year, we are been given the chance to fully manifest our dreams and passions, let go and allow this to happen. Arohanui
photo credit: Sharon Cavill
