Feeling the Fear

I crashed early tonight after a few bad nights sleep and exhausting day of yard work, which is good for the soul. Now wide awake, contemplating mirroring that is happening for me, around old behaviours that surface around men. And I give gratitude to the man who has made this surface. It is funny how we slip, when the fear and flight button gets turned on- every part of you is In Conflict, one part wants to get to know the man, the other part is telling you to run baby fucken run. Then your mind joins in, oh monkey mind you know how to twist and summersault through my mind. Creating illusion around fears that are made up of old behaviours. I sit in the dark, listening to the Curlews calling, reminding me this is another death of me I'm shedding and owning the parts of me that try to keep me locked in old behaviours. I also know in myself what I want in my life and are worthy of this. I've just got to get a handle on this fear-flight button. Also to stop creating blockages as we try to find fault without allowing things to flow with ease and grace. I believe that both men and woman get into fear and flight, we even wind fantasys around how relationships and love should be. Or we get so lost the fantasy, and miss the boat all together. There is also the illusion of being in relationships for a need, and when love is there but not in love. without looking at self to why that need is there within you. Many people get lost in this -is all I'm worth, it's a money thing, can't do it on my own, can't be on my own, don't love myself so need someone to love me, I'm on a peddle-stool and the list of motives goes on to why we get involved in relationships that are not the one. We even get lost in the soul mate or twin flame, and confuse a person from our soul group, is who we are meant to be with, when maybe they are in this lifetime just a friend. But then there is that grace of mirroring in relationships that bring up old wounds, old secret rooms within you, that get open and emptied, to shake you into another growth, which I laugh as I sit under the full moon-

Grandmother and realise - shite you have been unbalancing me for this release, especially as this is the Grand Masters Full Moon, Grandmother you are straight player, nothing like shaking up the insides to spill forth. And the Curlews song gets louder as I write, thank you, even Kooky was awake, I think he was disturbed, as his call reminded me of been pulled from bed while still asleep... The night talks to me, as I hear the waves crashing, washing all the layers out to be cleansed. All relationships weather be friend or lover or family teach us much, but for me it's the intimate relationship that teaches me the most, because it's the one that scares the shite out of me. Now I don't know the right answer here and for each of us it's different, but I'm breathing and doing my best to cage the monkey, turn off the fear- flight button and just be. Tomorrow I prep Curlew, I look forward to his council. Arohanui